Normally Unnormal
by CissWAFist
Summary: Brittany and Quinn are mad scientist that sometimes lose complete touch with reality, they have Santana and Rachel to torment, and keep them grounded, along with a few other special house guests. Santana and Rachel both have dangerous secrets that could result in Quinn and Brittany's complete breakdown. If you want a good laugh, come on in. This is M for language,
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: This fic came from me watching way too much Lost Girl, playing the Batman Arkham series, and playing a through the Clear Vision series. All of which I do not own. I do not own Glee either, just my ideas, and some twisted poetry...we will get to that later. I will be doing a bunch of POVs this is a Brittana fic..so if you no like you no read!**_

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**Chapter 1 Hospital**

_**BRITTANY'S POV**_

Brittany S. Pierce Lopez is a lot of things, I am a former cheerleader, a former air head, and a former mad scientist... Actually I am currently a mad scientist. Angry I am not, I am completely happy, most of the time. You see, I grew up in a small town in Ohio and I went to a small town school, I was the ditzy cheerleader that came up with ridiculous one liners. My last one liner, at graduation, being 'I am going to be a mad scientist'! Well bitches thought I be crazy. Bitches now be correct!

I went to school, got all of the doctorates and PhDs I could, in science, engineering, and health. I dropped off the map for a little while after college with my then girlfriend Santana Lopez, my now wife, and our mutual friend, Quinn Fabray and her on again off again girlfriend, Rachel Berry. We all now share a mansion on the outskirts of New York.

Between Quinn and I we were able to Bio-engineer an entire lush playground of flowers fruits and vegetables, in 5 years. Somewhere along the line we both cracked, our minds dove into the crazy and unsuspecting. Our lovers knew of our descent to madness, although we covered it up as best as we could.

Quinn and I are considered the Albert Einsteins of our generation, having published multiple books. At 27 we had money rolling in. Sometimes it would just pop up unexpectedly into our accounts...I'll eventually have to check that out.

Now we are back in actual society! _*Mad cackle*_ uhm..er..anyway. I am currently standing in an elevator in the maternity ward in a hospital in New York.

It is time to experiment on a living subject, I've been going back and forth between three elevators, waiting for the perfect time to pull out my latest device! You see, I'm waiting for my friend, Quinn, who is sort of my...mad assistant, to usher a pregnant woman my way, I know it is against protocol for them to not be assisted by a nurse, hopefully the panicking husband will not.

As I make my way to elevator two I hear Quinn telling someone to make their way over to the same one, I glance over my shoulder and grin happily when I see two beautiful Asian women, one in a wheelchair, the other on her phone speaking rapidly, I hop into the elevator and hold it open for them.

Nodding at Quinn to get the hell outta dodge, and to wait in the affectionately named Bat5hit Mobile. I lean against the cool metal and study the women, the lady in the wheelchair had on a flowing maternity dress, while the other was decked out in full scene kid gear.

I reach my hand into my pocket and push the off button on the phone. I bite my lip to hide my triumphant squeal as the elevator bounces once and stays completely still, the lights flicker, and all is quiet for all of five seconds.

"What the fuck is happening?" Phone Asian asks in a screech.

"Maybe it's a-" I attempt.

"Uhhhng Carmen, I feel it coming!" Wheelchair screams.

"Holy shit..okay just hold it in or something!" Phone screeches again, by this time she's grabbed the security panel and has flipped the phone out talking to a maintenance guy or something.

I ignore her for the moment, and turn my attention the Wheelchair.

"Hi I'm Britt-" screeeeeeech I am once again interrupted by her mouth. I glare at her and kneel down in front of her, I glared into her chocolate orbs.

"Are your parents, fucking howler monkeys?" I ask her seriously.

"Are you being racist?" she shrieks, I blink and ponder on that for a second. I violently shake my head no.

"I am Doctor Spierce, unless you have recently swallowed a couple of midgets, I am going to assume you are pregnant. Luckily for you I am," I slapped my hand over her mouth before she could interrupt me, " I AM here in this broken elevator at this time."

"They don't know what's...wrong," Phone turns and sees my hands, one resting over Wheelchair's mouth the other on her thigh, "the fuck are you doing to my sister?"

I leap up and smile at her extending a hand, "I am Dr. Susan,"

"You said you were Dr. Spierce!" howls the monkey.

"Yeah that, anyway, I can deliver this child, she is," I poked her stomach, "ripe!"

I pull out a pen knife and surgical gloves, I put them on backwards but quickly reversed them, ripping the thumb off in the process. 'Fuck it, the epidermis is just a permanent glove!' I tell myself softly.

I rip the gloves off. "What's your name?" I ask the monkey, "Summer..."

"And I am Carmen and I do not approve!"

"Look Car, it's fine, I just want this thing out of me, now!"

I reach into my pants pocket and pull out a small camera and affix it to my collar, I reach into my front pocket and pull out a black pill, the size of a baby aspirin. "This is an epidural of my own creation!" I smile and throw it into her mouth, she swallowed out of surprise.

"What the actual fu-"

"Next we pull up that dress and give me a peek into your vertical smile!" I yell over Carmen, I turn my back for a few seconds to give her privacy, my brain register that I was about to be elbow deep in foreign vagina so it didn't really matter.

I pop my neck and grin wildly as I peered down at her, "this shouldn't hurt a bit!" I whisper yell.

***an hour later***

I was on a far side of the small elevator, I was in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. This was way different than delivering animals, or random operations on Lore Tubbington. But this shit be crazy, let me reflect upon you in twenty minute intervals of what happened.

**First 20**

_ I managed to maneuver her onto the ground without much trouble, after Carmen pushed and folded the wheelchair. I knelt between her spread legs and glanced down, and snapped my head right back up. Now to get of track for just a tick, I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty well versed in the vagina monologues if you catch my drift. My wife, who is an extremely devoted housewife, has the perfect little octopussior. It's freakin sweet... "I'm sorry Dr. Spierce but why are you telling us this?" Summer asked through tears. "Oops, my inner became an outer..."_

**Second 20**

_I know how to do many things, I know how to replace LTs body parts as they degenerate, I know how to put a smile on my sweeties face, and I know how to create a shit ton of mechanical and chemical devices that could or could not end feline aids, and yet I had no idea how to comfort a crying pregnant lady and her pissed off sister. I ran my fingers up and down her thighs, trying to comfort her._

_"Hands off, doc, she has a husband!" Carmen barks at me. _

_I gazed at her blankly._

_I leaned my head back slowly and twitched my eye. _

_"I am a very happily married woman, she stays at home all day and greets me at the door with a cigar and scotch... Wait no, that's a TV show..anyway. I-" I was jerked out of my revere of my wife by a small hand, I was pulled close to Summer's face._

_"If. You. Don't. Get. This. Out. Of. Me. I will. End. You..." she hissed. Wide eyed I quickly averted my gaze back to the task at hand._

**Third 20 **

_"Push!" I yelled, I could feel the tremors from her thighs that I still had my hands firmly planted on. She grunted as she held firmly to her sister. _

_"You are crowning, Summer! Give me another push then relax," I smiled as I watched the sisters comfort each other. I quickly reached into my pocket and pulled out a very small micro chip and implanted it in the small body, behind the ear, it would look like a small mole. _

_ It worked on LTs spawn I'm sure it would work on a human child, if not it would simply disappear and not cause any problems to the child's health, but if it works, it will be the smartest child in the world, and it will find me later in life and it will be my protégé!_

_I giggled a little in my excitement._

_"Okay, one more big push and we can deliver this beautiful bouncing...baby...girl!" I smiled softly at the child, I took my pen knife and cut t_he umbilical cord. I handed her the baby. And sat against the wall, bloody and proud.

_**And then...**_

**End of hour**

I looked up at them, by now I had deactivated the motor holding back the elevator, I wanted to get the hell out.

"Look its totally natural for people to eat the placenta," Carmen snapped at my horror stricken green face, a little of said placenta still on her chin. Le gag

"Yeah well, I've never seen anyone just..eat it like that... I mean LT has eaten his own puke but...you know what I am going home..."

I bolted out of the elevator covered in blood and a tiny bit of puke, I ran as fast I could to the staircase I knew would take me down to the garage and to the Bat5hit mobile.

I skidded and slipped in what I hope and prayed to be lemonade, I regained my footing quickly and ran head first into a security guard making his rounds. We stared blankly at each other for all of five seconds before his hands went to his baton and walkie talkie. Ah shit... I ducked around him and power drove through the front door, feet were most definitely following me, one can never forget that clack clack clack of shoes on a linoleum floor.

I saw my suspiciously unsuspicuous car with an, of course, sleeping Quinn in the driver's seat. I ran to the passenger side, very thankful for all of those years of dance. I kicked at the door. She yelped awake and pressed her face to the window. I glared at her and made the universal sign for _open the fucking door before security busts our asses._

She rolled her eyes and unlocked the door, I dove in and slammed it just as security ran their under practiced asses into the parking lot, "Quick kiss me!" Quinn, dove at me. I batted her to the side and she laid on the console with a pout.

"The windows are very tinted, the only way they'll be able to see us is if -" I gasped as Quinn jumped out of the car and onto the hood.

"SHE'S IN HERE BOYS COME AND GET 'ER!" I ripped myself from inside of the car and snatched her off the hood.

"Quinn what the fuck!" I snarled as I tossed her into the passenger seat and peeled outta there.

"You hit me," she said simply, I turned my head to her and tilted it. There she sat arms crossed bottom lip out and eyes wide staring at the road. Dead. Serious. She threw her head back and dramatic look gophered me. I jumped at the sudden mood change.

It was going to be a long ride home.

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_**End of chapter one, I guess.. I have literally millions of ideas floating around my noggin, I just had to get it out! So idk..I know a lot of this is random, and trust me it gets pretty intense, next chapter we peek in on Santana Pierce Lopez. If no one knows about the dramatic look gopher and its hilarious creepiness, YouTube it! Until next time xx **_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I do not own Glee or most of the stuff I am going to spew out in this I'm gonna borrow a weapon from Saints Row. I do not own the Bushnell Elite rifle scope either. Just the pointless plot.**

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**Chapter 2 Roof Top **

_**SANTANA'S POV**_

I laid in the prone position, rifle tucked tenderly between my cheek and shoulder blade. I held it like a lover, my McManus and I. _Aaaah_ _mmm ooh_ I stared through my Bushnell scope, my target tonight is a mister Rory F, some Irish prick. I've been laying here for a few hours, waiting for the prime time to line up my shot and caress my finger across my lover's trigger.

My body is schooled in many deadly forms, I can kill a man with a finger nail. I call it the Kill Bill Effect.

I sigh softly as he finally swaggers his way into an empty room in the three story brick building. I smile as I reconfig my scope to accommodate my current predicament. I finally get to use my new heat seeking feature.

So I don't want you to think I'm killing this dude for shits and giggles. To describe what I am would take too long so mercenary, assassin, FBI would pretty much sum it up. This kid had to piss of some higher ups if they called me on his ass. I studied his face and my mind flashed back to his dossier. Born August 8, 1991 in Derry, NI. Just a kid, but hey if they wave $500,000 you aim, shoot, and walk away. CONFIDENTIAL flashed red on the iPad that held the dossier so I was left in the dark about what he did.

I've been doing this since I was 12, once that asshat, Jeremy Weber pushed Britt in middle school and made her cry I knew that protecting her was top priority, plus its a great outlet for my anger, and these pants totally make my ass look good, so I contacted my FBI uncle Toni and the rest is pretty much history.

I lined my shot and fired, immediately rolling onto my back as soon as I felt my bullet leave its chamber. I knew it was a direct hit. I didn't need to visually confirm it. The silencer on my weapon is super effective and so is my aim.

I touched the bluetooth in my ear, "Ziel Neutralisierte." I closed my eyes. "Looks like his charms were unlucky," I was safe for a few hours, not that I'd stay here for that long.

I quickly disassembled my McManus and picked up the mat I'd been laying on. I cracked my neck and waited for the helicopter to pick me up.

_No heels_

_No shirt_

_No skirt_

_All I'm in is just skin_

_No jeans_

_Take em off_

_Wanna feel your skin_

_You a beast oh_

_You know that I like that_

_Come on baby_

_All I wanna see you in is just skin_

_*Face palm*_ she must've changed my ring tone yet again. She being the Missus, my baby girl, Brittany. Back at Mckinley, everyone doubted my baby, calling her stupid, and shit like that. Now look at where she is. I smiled inwardly extremely proud.

I worked from home, although Britt likes to pretend I am a simple housewife, which is fine. I don't mind it. As long as she never finds out about my alter ego, Snixx. Yeah back at high school I let Snixx out to play, verbally, but she ain't never snapped. I mean there was that time at Nationals. Maybe 8 years ago. I was going to take a couple of razor blades from scalp and slice Rachel and Finn from ass to- oh fuck my phone!

I scanned the sky for the helicopter, since I didn't see it I slid the green answer slider on my android.

"Hey baby!" I chirped, making my voice light and happy, which is how I truly always feel with her.

"Hey there honey, I was wondering, if you'd like to bake something when I get home from my latest adventure. Hehe...cause you can't spell baked without aked so let's get naked...ah.._*cough*_ sounded way better in my head. Well I'll be home in 15. Love you."

I chuckled, "l Love you too Britt-Britt!"

I rolled my shoulders, I was dressed in full sniper gear. I shook my head, I didn't take all of those parkour lessons for nothing, I am in the concrete jungle after all.

I took off at a dead run, my body considerably weighed down by my gear. I leaped up kicking off of a building and landing on top of another higher one.

I jammed my finger to the Bluetooth in my ear in mid air, "Wo ist mein verdammte chopper!" I yelled as I landed and went into a roll.

I felt a part of my body relax as I watched the helicopter come soaring in, I watched as they lowered the ladder. I smiled as I ran to it, I leaped soaring through the air. I struck a pose. Think swan gliding through the water. I snagged a rung on the helicopter ladder and made my way into it I gave a nod for them to take off as I plopped down next to my partner.

"Cute Snixx, I give you a six simply because you think you looked good posing like that, what was it? Tiger getting hit by a bus?" She giggle and leaned back watching me like a hawk as I slipped into a ripped jeans and white v-neck shirt.

"Good no scrat- aaagh" I quickly punched her in the throat.

"Where the fuck were you Berry? As soon as I gave neutralized you were supposed to be on your way!" I watched the tears pooled in her eyes as she coughed, I wasn't able to enjoy it for long, why? Because I am now soaring through the air, having been kicked in my chest by a pissed off midget.

"GOD DAMMIT BERRY!" I hissed as I broke a nail trying to grab hold of the safety net installed on the inside of the chopper, I twisted by body around, my shoe lace tangled in the safety net I curled my toes and prayed that it would hold until I could yank myself back up. Berry ducked her head out, giving me a death stare and smiling.

"You, Santana, decided that German would be the language we would communicate in tonight, I tried telling you, that I do not KNOW any fucking German, but you being you, brushed me off and decided that Wolff needed his nails trimmed. So as soon as you passed word I jumped in and flew out to you. How-fucking-ever I didn't know what ya said so I had Jay hover for a while as I Google translated it. Now when you yelled something about a chopper I had Jay go ahead and fly to you, while you were busy monkeying around the buildings I was trying to pinpoint your location. So how dare you," I could feel her working the knot in my shoe lace, now I was being manhandled up into the chopper, "assume, that I wasn't doing my job and covering your ass."

We sat in complete silence on the ride back to the house. I remember the day Berry joined me, I felt her watching me in my backyard, going over different exercises with my uncle I assume she was on one of her ritual morning runs, we were around 17 at the time, the summer before senior year. She had hopped the fence, completely intrigued by us. I wanted to snap at her simply for her presence, but something in her eye made me stop. Uncle Toni looked from me to her and without a word went back to showing me katas. She sat and watched, eyes following the flow of our arms and torsos. She came back every day after that, we would greet her, Uncle Toni never really acknowledged her, but when he spoke he no longer gave a specific name, referring to both of us as you.

We went through private schools, wearing ourselves thin going from a private academy to our respective colleges in NY. I went to NYU and studied law, she went to NYADA and became the biggest Broadway sensation out there. I had Brittany she had Quinn, sometimes, when it was Quinn, Charlie, her other personality, was the calm dork Berry fell in love with, although she loved them both.

Quinn. Somewhere along the line she was walking on snapped and it made her a psychopath bent on world domination, and Brittany was right behind her with her inventions. I affectionately called both, Pinkie and the Brain

Neither of us could ever bring ourselves to tell them about any of it, we were top, we excelled in what we did, Berry grew a pair and stopped taking my shit, she is my best friend, and I will NEVER voice it, because I know she knows. I throw my arm around her and put my hand up to stroke her neck where I hit, while I gazed out the window.

Jay, our, pilot, chef, butler, chauffeur, go to guy, turned and gave us the thumbs up, motioning that it was safe for us to jump out, which we did in sync. As soon our feet hit the ground we turned and sprinted for the house.

Berry pulled an apron out of nowhere and tied it around her waist, I put my fingers in my mouth and whistled. She turned and smirked as our huge Great Dane/ Wolf mix came bounding towards us. I handed him our gear, which he took in his mouth and ran off into the distance with. Berry and I had earned him after securing a base in Russia. I never asked why they switched his brain with a doped up Russian hostage. I knew if Brittany ever found out about it, he'd be on the operating table right next to Lard Tubbys. We got him as a puppy, we had to endure bites and snarls, but we eventually got through to him, we've had him for about five years, we all had shared a large apartment that was in the middle of both of our schools, so it was easy for him to fall in love and trust all of us.

Berry and I eventually started taking him out on missions with us, he was able to blend in almost anywhere. His muzzle was jet black and his head was a rusty gold, his body was the same rusty gold with black on the outer edges of his fur, his eyes one a pale electric blue the other a bright yellow, a trait he developed from the human inside him. He communicated with us using soft barks in Morse code, he was a regular old fuzzy dog to Brittany and Quinn.

I watched as Berry typed the key code for the backdoor in, we slipped in just as we heard the front door slam and Quinn wail in exaggerated agony. I threw my head back and mouthed 'why' to the ceiling as I closed the door and unlatched Wolff's doggy door.

I walked into the kitchen and automatically ducked the plate that was thrown, that was obviously meant for Brittany who was standing in front of me behind the huge wrap around black marble counter top. I sat down by her feet with my back against the counter, I had an excellent view of Quinn because of the reflective surface of the mounted oven, and I had great cover because of the counter.

My nose twitched as I looked up at Brittany, she looked like she swam in copious amounts of blood and smelled like lemon pledge and piss. Her face was red as she leaned over the counter top screaming at Quinn. I settled down and watched everything unfold through the oven.

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_**BRITTANY'S POV**_

Just as I thought the ride was awkward and tense because of Quinn, she stared at me the entire way home, the blood had started to dry and peel a little, I wanted to scratch it but I knew any little movement would set this crazy bitch off. I glanced at her, and opened my mouth in a silent scream as I pushed harder on the accelerator. I don't know when, or how but while I was focused on the rode she had managed to dilate her eyes.

She looked creepy as hell and I just wanted to be away from her, I pulled into our yard, I had called ahead for Jay to open the gate. I don't really remember when Jay came into the picture. Santana had hired him. It was like he was trained to do whatever we asked him to. He reminded me a lot of Brad, back at Mckinley. As soon as I parked I raced out of the car with a silently fuming Quinn right on my heels.

Jay opened the door and stood back, Quinn kicked the door closed and I went to the kitchen, wanting a snack before I tricked Santana into showering with me. As I was lost in thought I heard the crisp unmistakable scrape of porcelain on porcelain, I jumped to the side just as Santana and Rachel came in . San had to duck to avoid the plate that was coming for her head, the look on her face was bored expectancy, we had about 100 boxes of black, brown, and creamed colored plates in the basement, just because we all had to throw shit when we were upset.

I turned my attention back to Quinn, grinding my teeth. Rachel had dragged a stool from the bar and sat behind Quinn a little to the left of her.

"You could have hit me, you psychopath!" I bellowed, extremely pissed. "Why don't you go lay down and let Charlie come out and play! Unless you can dim down the crazy and analyze my findings with me later!"

"You hit me!" She barked at me, Rachel sat up a little and raised her eyebrow at me, I waved her off. I've seen how her and San beat the shit out of each other over a muffin, so she can let this go.

"You tried to kiss me!" Santana shot up from her place near my legs and put her hands on her hips, "Que?" she hissed between gritted teeth.

Quinn laughed and pointed at me, "YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW YOU BRITT! YOU'RE LIKE...LIKE..." She tilted her head in contemplation for a second then screamed, "THE SHITTY OUTER LAYER OF A POP TART!" She said triumphantly while flailing her arms around like she was drowning.

I gasped, my mouth hanging open I pointed my finger at Quinn and looked to Rachel and Santana with a look that clearly said '_you heard what this bitch just said?_' I racked my brain for a good come back.' _Ah! Perfect zinger!' _I thought.

I folded my arms and smirked, "yeah well I bet you shower naked!" I snarled. Rachel's eyebrows flew into her hairline.

"You bitch!" Quinn screamed as if I insulted her mother, she coiled in on herself like a snake, Rachel moved quickly and wrapped her legs around Quinn and flipped them both over the couch she was sitting in front of. Wow, her acting coach must be giving her crack, steroids, and candy. I heard them scuffle, Quinn growling and hissing like a cat. I was going to go over and poke the hive, but Santana grabbed me, and tossed me over her shoulder. I folded my arms and looked down, wanting to be upset but the curve of her ass as she walked made all of that disappear.

"How about we take a bath and you tell me about your day, babe. We'll have Jay go get Chinese food."

I gagged and let my body go limp.

"Britt-Britt? Babe? You okay?" She asked alarmed.

"No Chinese please," I said weakly, "placenta, baby, placenta... so it all started at the hospital when I had Quinn knock out a receptionist in the maternity ward and pose as her..."

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_**Well that's chapter 2 :) lol yeah I told you guys, random, its all random, I will try to tie it all together in some way or another but no promises. Next chapter we see Quinn and Charlie. Santana and Quinn are the only ones with different " people" . I don't think I'll ever dive into Snixx unless its going to be a drama filled action packed chapter...hmmm.. Until next time xx**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 Couch Reminiscing **

**QUINN/CHARLIE POV**

I stop moving as soon as Brittany's stupid face and voice fade down the hall, I turn and stare at Rachel, intentionally making her uncomfortable with my dilated eyes, she reaches over and lays her fingers gently on my eyelids closing them.

"Ow! Shit Quinn don't bite me!" She snatched her hand away, "darling calm down, please. Let's just drop it, practice was brutal today." I stared at her, the scrubs I wore suddenly felt way to... Real and my eyes hurt like hell.

I sat up and moved away from Rachel, "I am, a freakin monster," I sobbed into my hands. I could feel her arms wrap around me. Tightly, I leaned back against her.

"Have you taken your pills today?"

"No, as crazy as it is I need Qu- my mind in order to help Brittany out, I am so sorry Rach." I mumbled into her shoulder, "I try so hard to be normal for you, so I won't embarrass you in public, Brittany and I stayed out of society so you and Santana could follow your dreams, while we stayed glued to monitors and test tubes. Every time I try to fight her it gets worse," I turn and pull her into me and smile. "Brittany told me I was like the little engine that could, I'd repeat I think I can I think I can, but in the back of my head a sickly sweet voice always hisses, 'if you think you can, think again'. I don't even know how this happened." I finish lamely.

She sits up and straddles my lap, "Lucy Quinn Fabray, you are so many things," I winced when she said my full name, she grinned and ram her fingers through my hair, "you are beautiful, silly, intelligent, Charlie, and the love of my life." I grabbed her hand and twisted gently until it was in front of us, showing her the ring I presented to her in college.

"Then why won't you marry me?" I shook my head and tried to stand, she locked her arms and legs around me.

"Because, I want to have my fill of broadway first, I want you to work on a way for me to have a baby that's all me and you, no in between. I want to honeymoon in the desert, and make love in the sand. Right now we have all the time in the world."

"Santana and Brit-" she silenced me with a finger, I narrowed my eyes at her neck, she gently brought my chin up until our eyes locked. "Those two have known each other since they were toddlers, they were in love long before we knew them. We just gave each other a chance, when you broke up Finn and I's wedding." I smirked as I thought back on that day.

_**Flashback (yay!)**_

_Santana kept texting me, prodding me, telling me how cute they were and if I didn't want to lose her I'd get my 'lilly white ass there now and deal with this mess' I had been sulking in my bedroom, so I had to throw on what I could immediately grab, which was a pair of faded ripped jeans and a hoodie that Judy bought me when I came out to her a few days ago, on the front it had a weird yet pleasing face on it with a rainbow over its head, the kicker was the back, a stick figures body bent over with a unicorn's tongue in the ass crack. _

_I was in my car, speeding towards the courthouse, I couldn't lose her to him, I had already lost so much, we'd gotten close in the summer of senior year when I was hanging out with Santana when she wasn't busy helping her uncle run his private business._

_I had confessed that I loved her, she told me I was too late, and that if she called it off, Finn would be heart broken. Well screw Finn! I hopped out of my car and ran into the building barging into the first room I saw._

_"Wait! You can't marry him! I am in... love... with...you?" I went pale as I saw a very flamboyant man and a bodybuilder standing holding hands as a justice of the peace stood behind them._

_"Bitch say what? I knew you was a two timing slut, Terry!" I backed out of the room, and closed the door to angry words and baby pleases._

_I walk quickly down the hall until I hear a rabbi say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace," I burst through the doors and do what we Glee kids are known for, I break out in spontaneous song in the echoing room. _

Here's the silence, here's my last chance.

I stand here with shaky hands, all eyes on me.

Delighted looks from everyone in the room

But I'm only looking at you.

I am not the kind of girl

Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion

But you are not the kind of girl

Who should be marrying the wrong one

You can't say yes come with me now,

I'll make you happier than you'll ever be with this clown

Don't wait or say a single vow,

You need to hear me out,

_I snapped my head to the right as the rabbi, annoyed said again, "speak now." _

_"Dreidel shut the fuck up," Santana snapped looking bored and proud, she nodded at me, "get your girl Q." I smiled and turned back to Rachel. My smile drops as I see the anger glisten in her eyes._

_"You can't just, walk in here and ruin the..the happiest day of my life. Please leave Quinn," she turned and took Finn's hand, he looked confused and constipated. I shook my head, my body felt cold and numb, I turned around and closed my eyes. I snapped back around. _

_"Rachel Berry, I fell in love with you last summer, you stole my heart, and I don't want it back. You and I both know that you are only staying with him because he is the safe choice. I made your life a living hell, let me spend the rest of my life making it up to you," I reached my hand out to her, a small smile playing on my lips._

_**End of Flashback (boo? No! yay!)**_

"And the rest is history, I can't believe Finn tried to punch you." Rachel leaned forward and kissed me, "I can however believe that Santana went all Lima Heights on his ass, I always thought it was going to be a bunch of hair pulling and windmill punches, not a roundhouse kick to the face, I think he might still have her heel imprint in his face." I grinned at her.

"I still cannot find that hoodie anywhere," I frowned, she quickly kissed me again and nuzzled me, she leaped up and pulled me up with her. "Come on beautiful, you can help me run lines before you go all sciency on me with Britt." I followed her a small goofy smile on my lips.

**SANTANA'S POV**

"...and then we get home and you know the rest," Brittany and I were sitting in our bedroom after a shower with her explaining how she was covered in bodily fluids.

"Babe, that's gross why'd you need a baby anyway?" I asked as I brush my hair, she squints at me.

"Q and I came up with this awesome chip that multiplied brain functions, it may be a baby, but if the chip is working properly, it will be able to speak in broken sentences in 6 months top! I basically turned its brain into a sponge of knowledge!" She hops up on the bed, hands on her naked hips head tilted proudly to the ceiling.

I turn and smile at her, "even sponges leak baby, what if its too much for the baby to process and it's little brain shuts down?" I dropped my hands and stared at her with wide eyes. She crosses her eyes in thought.

"NO! Okay so...you know how like on SpongeBob he was mentally going through filing cabinets? Well I think Quinn did something like that but its literally neurologically possible for the kid or teen to mentally focus and store information away." I throw a pair shorts and a tank top at her and watch as she slips them on.

"You two blow my mind sometimes you know that?" I pull her down for a kiss, and move away from her. "I have to go take care of some business, why don't you go and log in some time in the lab before I order a pizza?" She smiles and hops down and walks out calling for Quinn to join her as she goes. I grab my phone and call my bank and frown at the lack of 500 grand. I end the call and text Berry to meet me out back in the shed.

I pull on a pair of basketball shorts and a tank top and slip out of the upstairs window, I land on the piece of roof I had installed there and hop down.

I walked a ways before I ended up at the small dilapidated shed, I look around and quickly flip the panel containing a finger and paw print scanner and slip inside. I walk down the stairs and into the large underground loft the Rachel and I had built down here Wolff greets me with a bark he's sitting next to Jay who's cleaning my weapons.

"Jay," he looks up at me, "will you set up a conference call with our last contract, and also can you find out some more details on him?" He nodded and walked over to the large oval table we had set up in middle of the room. I reached down and scratched Wolff behind the ear. We both turned and as Berry stumbled down the stairs a content look on her face, I shuddered and made my way to the head of the table where Jay was waiting with the phone. I sat and nodded at Berry, filling in the details as Jay finished setting up the phone. He pushed speaker and walked off with an iPad in his hand, I grinned at Berry.

**(A/N: I couldn't resist! Santana is singing the main parts while her and Rachel are both doing the chorus) **

_Oh nooo_

_Oh nooo_

_Oh nooo _

_Oh no you didn't _

_Sucka tried to play me_

_But you never paid me, Neva_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Payback is a' comin'_

_You will be runnin', foreva_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Until i get my vengeance_

_I will never end this mayhem_

_Oh no you didn't_

_I'm a mercenary_

_You ain't got a prayer, you owe meeee_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Didn't you oh no_

_You didn't pay me what you locoweed, me_

_So now its over for you_

_I'll bring you such humiliation will bring annihilation, at last_

_Oh no you didn't_

_It will be delicious when I get vicious, tomorrow_

_Oh no you didn't_

_There's no second chances_

_You will do the dance of sorrowwwww_

_Oh no you didn't_

_What a fool!_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Betta watch your back boy, keep runnin'_

_This aint just a game, I'll never stop comin'_

_I got my arsenal_

_I put out the call_

_And when I'm finished ya'll_

_You'll be a rag doll_

"Fuck you, bitch! How'd you get my home number? Oh you're going to get me? You're just one _stupid_ woman, I make one call and you'll be next bitch!" he hissed into the phone and I smirked, perfect!

_Fool tried to diss me_

_Now you're gonna wish you were dead_

_Oh no you didn't_

_After I deliver your blood will be a river of red_

_Oh no you didn't_

_Better be aware when no one's there to defend you_

_Oh no you didn't_

_So many ways to kill its going to be a thrill to end youuuuuu_

_Oh no you didn't_

"Why do they always hang up before we're done?" Berry asked with a pout. We don't always get to sing the song, but when we do we have fun fulfilling it's threats. Berry and I picked it up years ago from a video game commercial on YouTube and we used it every time someone idiot didn't pay. Of course I should have checked with HQ to see if he paid first but I was in a rush.

I nodded in thought, "we'll give him until Friday at exactly 12 noon, tomorrow's Monday we'll start fucking with him then."

"Sounds like a plan! We haven't been able to do anything fun for a few weeks, please tell me we're going to be able to wear costumes?" she asked excitedly.

"Pfft! Of course! I had Jay hack his PDA, he's got a banquet tomorrow night, we'll drop in." We smiled at each other.

"Come on Wolff! You're going to be a seeing eye dog tomorrow," he barked in affirmation. Berry waited for me to walk out of the door and we jogged to the house together to get a little sweaty if the girls asked where we were.

Tomorrow is going to be a long day, I just hope everything falls into place, we make it up to the house and walk in just in time to see both Quinn and Brittany run past us with their lab coats on fire and cats clinging to them.

* * *

**Next chapter is Rachel and Santana so it'll probably be third person all the way through..maybe, depending on if I split them up at the banquet. If you have any questions let me know and I will address them but like I said this is super random. Until next time xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 The Banquet **

**RACHEL'S POV**

After capturing all of the kittens and putting them back in their cages, we put the girls to bed and plotted our mission for tomorrow. We made sure the girls were asleep before we snuck off to the living room with Jay and Wolff.

"So, what we got Berry?"

"We've got a dossy on him, his name is Hayden WinBush, he's apparently hot shit in Jersey." I turned the dossier to her, "he's got a banquet in his honor tomorrow because he formulated a new erectile dysfunction drug that not only gives a super erection but gives the user a stamina boost every twenty minutes depending on the dosage." Santana raised an eyebrow and nodded.

"So this dude gets an entire banquet thrown in his honor because he was able to make Viagra on steroids? How rich!" She leans against the couch cushions and chuckles softly.

Jay, were you able to get in contact with the catering company?" He nods and tosses the iPad to me, "good, go pay our chef and the entertainment a visit, make sure they're otherwise engaged tomorrow." He stands and leaves without a word.

I set the iPad aside and cross my arms behind my head, "we have an iffy plan Santana, someone could get hurt."

"Relax Berry, we got this! Oh man I've been dying to use trip wire! Maybe we can set it up along the perimeter and trigger it on our way out?" she suggested, a series of low barks came from Wolff.

"Not unless you want a Ghost Ship scenario to play out, mother is about the same size as Emily Browning and I am assuming you're going to replace the entertainment, it's just going to be tight enough as is, lets not add a sea of twitching limbs and blood to tomorrow's festivities." He jokes, slightly serious.

Santana pouts and nods letting the issue drop, "Til tomorrow then."

* * *

_***The Next Day* (no pov for now)**_

The girls plus Jay and Wolff made their way to Trenton, NJ, after announcing to their lovers that they were going on a week long business trip/ workshop. The duo went their separate ways as soon as they got to their destination.

Jay and Santana walked arm and arm to the front door, Santana in a form fitting ruby red dress, Jay in a simple black Armani suit with a red tie and dark sunglasses on his face. Wolff trotted dutifully alongside of Jay wearing a harness.

Jay, not being as well known as the women and dog, was in what Santana called an Ellen wig, while Rachel, wearing a chef's uniform with red sleeve cuffs, wore a red wig and a very cheesy French accent. Santana, wore a glass masquerade-esque mask on the left side of her face. Wolff, being the hardest to disguise, wore a thick muzzle and full body harness. The trio watch as Rachel disappears around the back of the building with the rest of the kitchen staff, she immediately begins to bark orders at them, Santana snickers as Jay pulls her to the front of the building to the doorman.

**SANTANA'S POV**

I pull myself together and smile at the doorman flirtatiously, "We are the entertainment for this evening ."

"I don't remember there being a costume party tonight, shoo. I cannot allow such riff raff as you into the banquet." He eyed them snootily and turned his attention to the next guests. Wolff barked lowly.

"Lemme bite his balls off mom!" I lay a calming hand on his head.

"My face was burned in a house fire when I was 10, this is my best friend who ran in sacrificing his vocal chords and his vision to save me. Now we travel the globe I sing and he plays the piano, he's like a white Ray Charles. We'll leave though, if it pleases you." I turn gently guiding Jay with me.

"Wait! I'm sorry I was so rude, you guys go on in, I saw the rest of your guys setting up earlier."

He said humbly. I grinned, schooling my features I turned, giving him a curt nod I walk into the building Wolff coming up behind me leading Jay.

I look around quickly observing exits, I spot the entrance to the kitchen not too far from the stage and nod. I tug Jay towards the stage and give him whispered instructions.

RACHEL'S POV

I survey the kitchen staff that walked quickly around me, not wanting to piss off the angry lady. I grinned and turned to the food that was to be cooked. I stayed up all night watching Hell's Kitchen so I could get into character.

"Yoo! Pick up that chickan and throw eet on zee ground for zee flahvor!" I snapped at a young staff member. She eyed me but did as I told her. "Goood now go ahnd drop eet in zee dish watar and throw eet in zee ovan!" I walk over to my sous chef and glare at her.

"For zee clams I wahnt yoo to throw zee most stinkah green ones in zee pot ahnd zee ones dat smell lovely in zee TRASH CAHN!" I yelled slamming my fist down on a perfectly cooked scallop. _Yeah Gordon would be proud,_ I thought.

"But, ma'am not to, be rude uhm but I think its the other way around," she stammered.

I threw my arms up in the air in exasperation and snarled, "do you dahre qustione mah methahds? Does mah cooking enraahge yoo?" I stood on my tip toes, my noes barely an inch from her's. I could hear her gulp.

"Oh.. uhm no ma'am but-?" She shrank her head down in the long collar of her crisp coat, cutting herself off.

"NO? Good now git jour Fluttershy auss over zar and sniff. Mah. Clams!" She slinks off and goes to work. I turn around grabbing a piece of perfectly good steak and slap it across the assistant responsible for it face.

"THIS. IS. RAHW! Do eet agin ahnd doo eet until ah smell charred meat!" I cocked my head to the side, hearing the opening notes to Sway. I glanced at my watch. I had 3 minuets and 9 seconds to ruin the rest of this food.

_When marimba rhythms start to play_

_Dance with me, make me sway_

_Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore_

_Hold me close, sway me more_

I pointed and dictated, throwing fresh and good food in the trash and berating the hell out of the wait staff. I slapped my sous chef with a salmon and snapped my teeth in her face. I grabbed a cabbage and ordered a game of kick ball. After which I swept the cabbage up and into a dirty dustpan and dumped it into a boiling pot.

_Like a flower bending in the breeze_

_Bend with me, sway with ease_

_When we dance you have a way with me_

_Stay with me, sway with me_

I walk over to a covered cake box and grinned evilly, "Could use some colour no?" I reach over and grab some cooking oil lining the beautiful cake's frosting edges with it. I grab one of the charred steaks and scrape some of it off and onto the cake. "Thahts bettar!"

_Other dancers may be on the floor_

_Dear, but my eyes will see only you_

_Only you have that magic technique_

_When we sway I go weak_

_I can hear the sounds of violins_

_Long before it begins_

_Make me thrill as only you know how_

_Sway me smooth, sway me now_

_Other dancers may be on the floor_

_Dear, but my eyes will see only you_

_Only you have that magic technique_

_When we sway I go weak_

I grab a chicken and dance with it, intentionally bumping into the sterling silver of the appliances. Cackling madly, I'd do Brittany and Quinn proud if they could see me.

_I can hear the sounds of violins_

_Long before it begins_

_Make me thrill as only you know how_

_Sway me smooth, sway me now_

_When marimba rhythms start to play_

_Dance with me, make me sway_

_Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore_

_Hold me close, sway me more_

In the 5 second pause. Santana's voice rang out signaling the 50 seconds we had to get out, I grabbed a  
marker and scribbled a message on the board, I turned and smiled at the staff, I bowed and ran out the back exit and to the car we had waiting in the parking lot.

**SANTANA'S POV**

I turn to Jay and Wolff, Jay throws the trumpet that hehad been playing and grabs me around the waist dancing me between the tables the mic clasped in my hands, Wolff coming up behind us.**  
**

_Like a flower bending in the breeze_

_Bend with me, sway with ease_

_When we dance you have a way with me_

_Stay with me, sway with me_

I turn my head to the exit, seeing a white and red sleeve disappear through the door, I put my hand behind Jay's neck, and he dips me. Giving Wolff the opportunity to duck out through the door, I watch as he kicks the door jam so it would stay open.

_When marimba start to play_

_Hold me close, make me sway_

_When we dance you have a way with me_

_Stay with me, sway with me_

We dance for the door to the band's closing notes, Jay releases me and jogs to car as I kick the door close. Jay meets me with the car, I slip in and high five Rachel who smells like rotten fruit.

"Missione succahss! Ohn to phase twoo!" I laugh hard as Jay drives off to the hotel.

* * *

**A FEW HOURS LATER**

After we shower and order room service we sit around with the TV on low. "I can't believe you went Ramsay on them! Berry you are not allowed to cook for a month after that story." I shake my head and grin. Wolff jumps up and nudges the remote, turning the TV up.

"Hi, Vanessa Iris here covering the WinBush banquet live, we experience technical difficulties during the beautiful performance and Mr. Winbush's moving speech, but we are now back online and just in time to showcase the famous WinBush meal options!" The camera pans out and shows the entire hall. Extremely nervous looking waiters wheel out covered food trays. My eyes widen as the waiters, as one, lift the tops off the trays, Berry wasn't kidding when she said that she mascaraed the meal. A very audible in take of breath could be heard and the camera zooms in on the food.

"M-maybe we could get a word in with this evening's cook!" The reporter quickly turned and headed for the kitchens, she gagged and stepped back. The camera zooms in on a pissed off WinBush trying to scrub the permanent marker off of a dry erase board.

In neat scrawl it read. _'I'm a mercenary, you ain't got a prayer you owe me! :P'_

* * *

**Okay! So I am sorry for the late entry! This probably makes less sense than the rest of this drabble, but my mind was else where. If it has many mistakes I am really sorry, but it was a bitch running spellcheck on this chapter. I am not the type of Arthur to beg for reviews but I'd like to get some kind of feedback, it thrills me to see the hits/visitors every time I log into my account. I'd like to take a moment to thank you for reading! So let me tell you why my mind was else where. I was walking through the walmart late last night...this morning, with some friends. It was like 3:30 AM here in Louisiana and I wanted some Gushers. Anyway! We pass by the adult diapers and we buy like 3 packs, a white, grey, and peach color. We get back to my place and pass out. Okay so fast forward to like 2:30 PM, I drive to McDonald's get food come back to my place and then we remember the diapers! So we model them for each other and all that jazz. We are all old like I am 19 and the eldest of my friends is 23. Its 4 of us 2 guys and 2 girls. I have 2 twin nieces that go to Jr. high that like to come hang out at my house with their friends, they open the door and walk right in, the way my house is set up is there's back door that leads to my dining room, I have a bar that separates my living room from my dining room. So they walk right in and stop because there we all are chilling on my couch in diapers and t-shirts playing Little Big Planet 2 on my PS3. Heh...anyway next chapter covers why Brittany and Quinn were covered in kittens and were on fire. It also contains phase two of five! until next time xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 in the lab**

**BRITTANY'S POV**

***SUNDAY NIGHT IN THE LAB***

It worked! Our outing was a success that baby is already thinking at an advanced level! I feel arms wrap around me and a head lay on my shoulder. I tense up, not knowing if it's psycho Quinn or passive Quinn.

"I'm sorry about earlier," oh sweet baby Jesus thank you! I relaxed into her.

"it's cool Quinn, I'm sorry for hitting you. Now I have good news!" We spent the next hour analyzing notes and monitoring the baby's vital signs.

I could see Quinn quickly relapsing into her bat shit stage, she begins to hunch her shoulders and move in sporadic bursts, I eye her from across the room, I watch as she turns on a Bunsen burner and sticks something on top of it. I shake my head and turn to the kittens, smiling at them. These are LT's hell spawn, in the year since engineered them they haven't grown.

They have teeth like bats and eyes like snakes, I used them to grow extra organs for LT since they seemed to be immortal, I could never bring myself to get rid of them, even after one bit Santana, I counted them, one was missing. I raise an eyebrow. Stupidly I walk closer to the cages and peer inside.

The next 20 seconds are a blur.

As soon as I got close enough to the cages one of the little fuckers swipe out and grab my shirt, I gasp and pull away quickly, only to be confronted by Quinn who was holding a bedpan up above her head. Before I could question her, the Bunsen burner exploded and sent flames directly at us.

"Soups done!" Quinn yells out, I slap at the flames and activate a fan, the smoke was way too much, I grab at the cage pulling out the hissing kittens they cling on to my skin, in a panic I threw 3 of them at Quinn, in retaliation she threw the still burning burner at me catching my coat, I scream and run past her. I hear her yelling out in pain and anger as she runs after me.

We make it out of the lab and down the hall, I was heading for the pool, but I knew Quinn was probably only following me so she could shove a butcher knife up my ass, we nearly barrel over the girls in our distress.

I felt myself being tackled, _this is it_, I thought, _the crazy bitch is finally going to kill me_. I feel my body being beaten and rolled over. I chance a look up and spot Santana doing the same thing to Quinn not too far from me.

"You okay baby?" Santana calls to me, I cough and nod, I wasn't burned too bad I was scratched the hell up though. Santana and Rachel help Quinn and I settle down in our respective beds and then go off to round up the kittens and straighten up the lab at my request,

I lay in bed in fresh clothes, the lights off, I was used to San coming to bed late, I cuddle her pillow and close my eyes. I hear the door slowly creak open and close, I open my eye a little and close it immediately. I feel Quinn lay in bed next to me and play with my hair. She lays her head on top of mine and puts her moist lips right on the shell of my ear.

"Sometimes I just want to Tell Tale Heart you, other times I want to eat your soul, I bet it tastes like tropical sprite," she whispers demonically, "yesterday I licked your spoon and put it back in your cereal bowl when you went to check the mail. I cried into your hair when you took a nap a week ago so it would be nappy when you woke up." She kisses my cheek, "I cleaned Wolff's water dish with Santana's toothbrush. Goodnight biotch." She stands and leaves, it felt like someone cracked an egg over my head that contained cold water. My eyes were wide, I waited for Santana to come join me in bed before I fell asleep.

It's been a few days since the incident, the girls announced that they were going off on business Monday and wouldn't be back until Friday, I was bummed that they had taken Jay and Wolff at least then I'd at least have someone to help me with Quinn. We are playing Russian roulette with a pea shooter. Her idea. She grins at me.

"Your turn."

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

I sit glaring at Berry, "If your primate hurts my Britt-Britt we gonna have some problems."

"I'm sure Brittany provokes Quinn a lot of the time. She doesn't just screw with Brittany for no reason...most of the time. I mean do you remember last year? When Brittany tied Quinn to the train tracks and made us believe we were reenacting a fake damsel in distress thing? SHE ALMOST KILLED MY FIANCÉ!" Rachel huffed.

I burst into giggles recalling that day perfectly, "Okay maybe," _*snort*_ "I still have saddle burn from that horse. Okay," I sit up, "do we go after the daughter or do we exploit the fact that he is a closet hydrophobic?"

Berry scratches the back of her head and shrugs. Jay stands and throws a couple of gym passes at us with a schedule.

"Well I guess that answers that."

_**A Few Hours Later(no pov) **_

The girls made their way into the members only gym/country club. Rachel wearing a dark blue sports bra with matching shorts, a blonde wig planted firmly on her head. Santana wore a black track suit hair up in a high pony with large sunglasses on. She winks at Rachel as she turns sharply seeing the control room for the pool. Rachel nods and smiles as she trots off to the pool.

Santana knocks on the door and smiles at the young nerdy guy that answers, she slides her glasses off slowly, "Hi, I'm here to relieve you, Gary sends his regards." Her mind flicks back to Jay cracking his knuckles and glaring at a shivering Gary. He licks his lips and moves aside in the door frame so she has to squeeze pass him. She makes sure to dig the heel of her black converse into his foot.

"I didn't get your name!" He shouts as she tries to close the door.

"Ima MercyNary." She says as she slams the door. She pulls her iPod out and pops in her headphones. Hear Me Now by Hollywood Undead fills her head.

Rachel twitches her lip, she glances up into the pool control tour seeing a silhouette bobbing its head and dancing. She spots WinBush near the pool surrounded by a group of men. She saunters up to them tapping him on his shoulder. "I heard you were the man to come to when someone wanted private swim lessons." She tilted her head exposing her neck more, he had a thing for necks. She shudders as he licks his bottom lip.

"Fellas why don't you give me and this little lady a bit of privacy?" He husks out, the men pat him on the back and laugh. They exit out of the room closing the door. Rachel smiles and walks slowly to the water beckoning him on, he looked nervously at the water and then back at her. He glances up into the control room seeing that they were occupied he swaggers toward her.

Santana pulls out her phone, sending a go to Wolff's collar, he crept carefully but quickly from behind the towel rack and to the edge of the pool, he studied the lining carefully, determining where the pool cover began and ended. He looked up to see the man creature licking his mother's neck. He choked back the growl at Rachel's stern look. Slipping his large razor sharp nails over the cover he ripped a large hole and quickly crept back to hide behind the towels, barking as softly as he could. It echoed slightly against the water. Rachel let out a loud moan leading him deeper into the water making sure to keep his back to the deep end.

Santana waits until the water laps around his back, Rachel had jumped up and settled her legs around his waist, she grins as she watches Rachel duck her head avoiding lip on lip. She cringes as she sees the dark smudge of a hickie. She snaps the pool cover controls on, BYOB blasting in her headphones. She makes sure to keep her body in constant motion. The moment she stopped Rachel would know when to make her next move.

Santana stopped moving in surprise, he had removed Rachel's wig. Rachel twists their bodies using his lack of coordination against him, he grabs her hard, she slips easily from his grasp and dives under the pool cover, Santana glances down, her finger has turned pale from the amount of pressure she is applying to the cover accelerator. She quickly phones Jay. She watches as the pool cover finally closes and pops up showing frantic struggling, she runs out of the door. Watching through the large control windows as the struggle continues.

She ran into the pool room "RACHEL!" She yelled heart pounding, she felt tears of relief pool in her eyes as Rachel popped out of the water. She ran over calling Wolff out, she picked Rachel up and slung her over her shoulder. She slammed her fist down on the fire alarm and ran out Wolff hot on her tail.

_**BACK AT THE HOTEL**_

**SANTANA'S POV**

I cradled Rachel in my lap, having carried her into the hotel joking about her being worn out from swimming. The small woman at the front desk only nodded, flashing me a badge. I smiled gratefully. She was one of us.

In the car ride over I'd performed CPR on her, when she took a labored breath all I could do was hold her. In our entire time together we had both suffered a lot of tragic near deaths. So my temporary affection was nothing new.

I flipped the TV on, I laid on the bed, Rachel was still soaking wet, I spoon her from behind and pull the covers over us.

"Vanessa Iris here reporting breaking news, today at the country club, Mr. WinBush, still suffering from yesterdays embarrassment has been pulled from the shallow end of the club's pool a sobbing mess." I glance down at Berry ans shake my head affectionately, she must have pushed him there. "We have Kelby Stevens, the club's pool control employee here to give a statement. Mr. Stevens?" The camera shot over to the wide eyed idiot.

"Uh, yeah so I was relieved from duty, ya know? This sexy exotic beauty came up and told me Gary said I could leave."

"Did you catch her name?"

"Uhm, yes something foreign! Oh yeah! Ima MercyNary!" A howl of anger could be heard echoing throughout the club where WinBush was sitting being attended to by EMTs.

I turn the TV off and pick up my vibrating phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby! I have a question!" Brittany says happily.

I chuckle, "Yes my love?"

"How do you feel about pirates?"

"They're okay I guess."

"Good!"

"Why..?"

"Because... I am going to be wearing an eye patch for about a month!"

I shoot up, "WHAT!"

* * *

**This was kind of rushed. Next chapter is all Quinn and Brittany with a dash or two of Santana and Rachel. Thank you for the reviews! They made me happy and I am very glad that you guys are enjoying this. Until next time xx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 Totally Melon**

**BRITTANY'S POV**

"GOD FUCKING SHIT DAMMIT ASS QUARTERBACK BATMAN BANANA FISH!" If you haven't gathered I'm in a lot of pain. It's my fault really, as much as I'd like to pin this on Quinn it was only partially her fault. As we played Russian roulette I got super cocky thinking she hadn't loaded it, after 7 empty rounds, who wouldn't? I put it to my eye and fired.

It was like getting raped in the eye socket by a wasp!

Quinn hisses in sympathy, she picks me up and lays me down on the couch she stands up and leaves, presumably to get one of the many first aid kits we have laying around.

I whimper and touch my eyelid, oh yeah this is going to be nasty. I open my good eye, I feel tear hot tears run down my cheeks. I watch as Quinn settles down in front of me, she turns and sits the first aid kit down on the coffee table behind her.

I reach into my pocket and grab a syringe filled with her medicine. I stab her between her shoulder blades with it, injecting it into her. She stiffens up and stays stock still. She turns quickly and stabs a syringe into my thigh.

"Ah fuck!" I snap.

"You started it! Bitch!"

"I just gave you your meds!" she glares at me, she reaches behind her and with a soft shlick and pulls the needle out of her back, she does the same thing for my leg. "What did you put in _ME_?"

"Morphine," she says between gritted teeth, "I am going to have to put liquid stitches on your eye, I'm also going to have to dilate it so I can check for damage." She leans over me. A slow lazy smile covers my face.

"Man, dude, the air smells like fruity pebbles," I pick my hand up and peer at it. Wait.

"OH SHIT IM HALF BLIND!" I start to cry uncontrollably, "this isn't fair Quinnie! I can't 69 with San anymore! I can only 34.5 heeeeeer." I wail.

Quinn lays across my stomach and examines my eye, "What a shame, boo boo, now be still." I feel the medicine coursing through my veins. I felt..sexy, no something sexier than sexy I felt, melon.

"Q! Q baby I feel melon."

"Melon?"

"Melon."

"...maybe you should call Santana. But before that let me patch you up." Quinn says amused.

Twenty minutes and an eye patch later I am handed a ringing phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey baby! I have a question!" I say happy to hear her voice.

A light chuckle greets my ear, "Yes my love?"

"How do you feel about pirates?" I ask her slowly.

"They're okay I guess."

"Good!" oh great she's gonna be down with the pirate clown.

"Why..?"

"Because... I am going to be wearing an eye patch for about a month!"

I hear a rumble then a loud "WHAT!"

"Babe you're not being very melon right now!" I scold her.

"I'm what...Britt what happened? Do you need me to come home? Fuck it I'm coming home!"

"San, no! Calm down! Hehe calm...calm..caallluuuuhhhmm," I break out in a fit of giggles.

"Let me speak to Quinn sweetie." I hold the phone out for Quinn to take, she shakes her head.

"Tell her I'm not hear," she whisper yells.

"I AM GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR FACE!" Santana snaps from the phone, I sigh and shake my head. My unseeing eye catching my attention again. I start to wail.

" B-baby! I have TERRIBLE news!" I cry into the small device.

"What is it! Britt-Britt don't cry!" she tells me in a panic.

"We can only 34.5." I whisper tragically. There's a heavy silence.

"I'll be there in a few hours." the line goes dead and I shrug. I look over at Quinn.

"So I take it she was upset?"

"You may have to leave the country." I deadpan.

* * *

**I am sorry this is so short, I'll update again later tonight after... During work. I just wanted to give you something before I had to dive back into reality. Remember to leave me some feedback if you have the time, I am going to be really bored so I would love to respond to reviews while I'm here. until next time xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 Bat Outta Hell**

**WOLFF'S POV**

I watch as mom stoops and throws everything in a large trash bag she wrestled from housekeeping, Jay walks around calmly picking anything incriminating up and putting it gently in a duffel bag. I wag my tail as mom addresses me.

"Wolff, I need you to stay behind with Berry, I may have to kill Quinn," I look up at her from my perch next to mother on the bed. I jump a little as mother rises up using my collar to pull herself to a sitting position glaring at her.

"You will do no such thing!" An argument breaks out, I lay with my ears pinned to my head, I have to duck fists and kicks. I sigh and stand in the doorway with Jay. I don't know why mother sticks with Quinn. After the behavioral training mother and mom put me through, I was brought home and presented to Quinn and Brittany. Though my brain was switched I retained the pups maturity and mind set, I no longer considered myself human. A few months later they both earned the name Verruckt **(A/N: basically means bat shit crazy... at least that's what my boss told me when I asked her to tell me what crazy meant in German)**.

_**Flashback (hell**_** yeah**_**)**_

_I stood watching as the short haired blonde one, Quinn, stood humming as she tied what was hopefully an unconscious mother to a chair. They had been arguing all week. I huffed at her to get her to stop. She picks me up and sits me in mother's lap. I sit protectively on top of her. Trying to be intimidating, Quinn tweaks my nose and I sneeze. She coos at me and sits in front of Rachel. _

_I turn and plant my paws on Rachel's chest, I had been yelled at for licking mom awake a few nights ago but I wanted to play I couldn't help it. I ran my tongue along her eyelids and barked in her face. Oh how I wished for my thumbs then I could call mom and have her come home, but I didn't and I didn't know any numbers._

_She jerked awake, and yelped when she saw my face so close to her. She tries to sit up but her binds are tight, I whimper and throw my self around her neck. _

"_Wolff off, what the...? Quinn?" She turns and looks at the blonde that was practically foaming at the mouth. I turned and growled at her. "Down Wolff!" I immediately laid down in her lap, fuming._

"_RaaaAAAchy, I know you were planning on leaving me, I saw the bags in the closet." I perked up, they were going on a mission this weekend when Brittany and Quinn went on their monthly store trip to __buy more stuff for the lab._

"_Baby, no I wasn't. Yes we are in a tight spot now but we can always work through it. I was simply going on a small hiatus, you wouldn't have even known I was gone." She plead, while trying to work the knots out of the nylon rope around her wrists._

"_Bullshit! You're going to leave me for Santana! So like that fuckface Finn I am going to serenade you into staying."_

"_Babe.." _

"_Shut up!"_

_She turned around and pushed a button, she ripped her clothes off and turned around. She'd drawn happy and sad faces on her breasts and a bulls-eye on her belly._

Da da da da, da da da da  
Da da da da-da da

I don't know if I can yell any louder  
How many time have I kicked you outta here?  
Or said something insulting?  
da da da da-da  
I can be so mean when I wanna be  
I am capable of really anything  
I can cut you into pieces  
When my heart is...broken

_She began doing choppy ballet around the chair we were sitting in._

Da da da-da da

Please don't leave me  
Please don't leave me  
I always say how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this  
Please, don't leave me

How did I become so obnoxious?  
What is it with you that makes me act like this?  
I've never been this nasty  
Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?  
The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest  
But baby I don't mean it  
I mean it, I promise

_She slams her head down onto mother's taking a deep sniff of her hair, she starts to sway, giggle, and hum from her chest loudly, she rips a nice chunk of it out jamming it into her nostrils. Mother grunts and hisses in pain._

Da da da-da da

Please don't leave me  
Da da da-da da  
Please don't leave me  
Da da da-da da  
I always say how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this  
Please, don't leave me

I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me  
I can't be without, you're my perfect little punching bag  
And I need you, I'm sorry.

Da da da da, da da da da  
da da da da-da da  
Please, please don't leave me_  
_

_I push back into mother's chest as she falls to her knees in front of us with a pair of scissors, she begins to cut hearts out of mother's skirt._

Baby please don't leave me  
No, don't leave me  
Please don't leave me no no no  
You say I don't need you but it's always gonna come right back,  
It's gonna come right back to this.  
Please, don't leave me.  
No.  
No, don't leave me  
Please don't leave me, oh no no no.  
I always say how I don't need you  
But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please don't leave me  
Please don't leave me

_Mother pulls her head back and eyes Quinn. I sit there wide eyed as they smash me between their bodies and begin kissing wildly. _

_**End of Flashback(hell **_**there's another one)**

I glance up between mom and mother as they continue arguing heatedly on the private jet as Jay flew us to the airport. A finger is shoved into mom's face and she looks dangerously close to biting it off. I slightly understood why she stayed with Brittany, though she was just as crazy as Quinn.

I watch as mother bitch slaps mom.

_**Flashback(**_**yet again!)**

_I sat having a staring contest with Lord Tubbington, he was trying to steal my steak. The steak mom had given me after having an argument with mother about me being vegan or not. I was saving it for later. I picked it up to hide it in the garden._

_As I squeezed through my doggy door I caught mom and Brittany laying on a bench swing near the large recently installed pool, I abandoned the idea of hiding my steak and instead decided to enjoy it while lounging next to them. _

"_Hey baby boy," mom greets me, I huffed around my snack and plopped down next to them. I twitch my ear listening in on their conversation._

"_I'm just saying if you get a tattoo that says Brittany rocks my socks, but, you know with x's instead of c's and k's. I would totally be okay with that," Brittany says gently._

"_I think, as cute as that would be, that that could be a bit extreme. How's your latest experiment been Dr. Pierce-Lopez?" Mom asks with a soft chuckle._

"_Actually I have been working on something for you! I hate that you smoke cigars sometime so I have developed a smokeless cigar! I am so happy you brought it up though, I have one right here." I glance up she pulls out a small oblong shaped device. Mom takes it in her hand and turns it over._

"_Uhm..wow Britt-Britt this is very thoughtful of you." _

"_I just, don't want you putting all those harmful chemicals in your body, no matter how sexy you claim it makes your voice. Go ahead, give it a try," she urges. I bark a light warning at mom. "Aw! Even Wolffy wants you to try it baby!" _

"_No I don't!"_

_Mom shrugs and puts it to her mouth, she pulls on it and immediately sits up gagging and sputtering heavy black smoke. She stands and holds her throat. Brittany looks worriedly from me to her. She reaches over to one of the mini tables sitting next to the swing and picks up a glass. She hands it to mom who drinks heavily from it._

"_W-what the fuck B? What is that?"_

"_It's nothing.."_

"_B!"_

"_Smog!"_

_My mouth falls open, smog? I watch as they get into a light argument, Quinn comes out of nowhere and picks mom up throwing her into the pool. They get into a splash fight. Brittany and mother soon join them. I shake my head, if you can't beat 'em join 'em. I jump in and join my crazy family._

_**End of Flashback ( :/ )**_

I run ahead to the house as soon as Jay parks the car. I bark loudly alerting Quinn and Brittany of our return. Brittany runs up to me slightly uncoordinated. I jump back on my hind legs and put my paws on her shoulders. I put my wet nose on her eye patch and whimper.

"Aw, Wolff I am okay!" She hugs me tightly, she releases me after I few minutes and I run off to find Quinn. She's sitting on her bedroom floor with the door open. I sit next to her and bark at her lightly wagging my tail. She smiles at me.

"Hey there boy! I missed you too." **(A/N: Nooo Brittany and Quinn cannot understand Wolff) **She lays her hand on top of my head and laughs as I burrow my head into her chest. I look up as mother runs in and slams the door locking it quickly behind her.

"Quinn what happened to Brittany's eye?" Mother asks coming and falling on her knees in front of her.

"You see.. what had happened was.. we were playing Russian roulette, right?" Mother's eyes widen, probably thinking the worse. "But we were playing with a pea shooter, when it comes Brittany's turn..."

**BRITTANY'S POV**

"...I turn the pea shooter around and shoot myself in the eye." As soon as Santana and Rachel fell through the front door arguing and beating at each other I grabbed Santana sitting her down and planting myself in her lap so she couldn't move. Santana calms down and lays her head on mine.

"You scared me so much," she mumbles her sweet breath hitting my cheek, "all I could do was call Berry and tell her that I was going to kill Quinn just so she could get funeral arrangements together." I give her a light peck on the lips.

"Not necessary, I was being cocky. Now what you can do is take me to bed I just want to cuddle. Maybe we can try 34.5ing." I wink at her and she laughs .

_**Later that night**_

I roll over and instantly feel the lack of Santana, I pull on a robe and creep out of our room. I hear a soft angry hiss. I peek downstairs and see a light on in the kitchen. I walk down a few steps and instantly freeze. Jay stood holding an iPad and nodding at Santana who has a small hissing cage sitting next to her.

"So he finally paid up huh?" She asks as she slips slivers of meat into the cage. Jay nods. "Call the boys off then. Good job Jay, thank you." He nods again and walks off. I quickly stand and walk back to the bedroom when Santana stands with the cage in her hands.

I use the dark hallway to my advantage, I felt like a fucking ninja, I was hopping my silk ducky robe didn't stand out too much. I watched as Santana opens the cage and sends it flying into Rachel and Quinn's bedroom. I gasp as a yowl and screams of pain and surprise ring throughout the house. Santana cackles madly and runs my way, she stops, picking me up and slinging me over her shoulder. She jumps into the bedroom and slams the door and locks it.

"No one hurts my Britt-Britt." She whispers as she throws me on the bed. She smashes her lips against mine and I smile.

"You took the kitten?" I ask curiously.

"Yeah, he escaped a few nights ago and I just decided to keep him in my study, he was great company." she explains with a smile. I nod.

"What were you talking to Jay abou-" I was cut off as the door buckles in and a 7 inch crack appears . We sit up and watch it wide eyed.

"THIS. MEANS. WAAAR" Quinn snarls as she makes a hole big enough to put her head through with the large ax she has in her hands.

* * *

**So there's chapter 7! I will work on chapter 8 tonight.. I usually start at noon and work from the top of my head. I apologize for not updating last night. I actually had to work -.- well leave me some feedback! I LOVED reading the ones I got last night. So thank you very much for those. For my silent readers you guys rock too! I forgot to mention the first 7 times that this doesn't have a beta so all mistakes are my own! Next chapter is an all out war between girls, I am not sure which way I'll take that, if violence isn't your forte most definitely skip it. until next time xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 Because I Got High**

**BRITTANY'S POV**

Santana was first to jump up, I sat watching her. Oh my god oh my god oh my oh my god. Maybe I'm asleep. I throw my body back on the bed and close my eyes. I open them again. Santana gives me a look the clearly says what the fuck. OH MY SWEET BABY JESUS I am not dreamin'.

I get up and run to the bathroom tugging Santana with me.

"Brittany calm down, she won't hurt us!" Santana says unsure. I gape at her

"She has an ax, if you hadn't noticed, ya know, the large wooden sticks with blades on the end of them? THEY CUT DOWN TREES!" I wave my arms around to emphasize my point. Santana sighs and looks around our large bathroom. She picks up a razor and a bat of soap.

"if she wants to play dirty so will we," she begins shaving small flakes of the soap off until she had a hand full. "On the count of three I want you to open the door. And stand back." she begins the count, or so I thought. I mean who starts off with 3?

As soon as she says '3' I fling the door open and in hops Quinn with the ax. Santana, taken aback, flings the soap and it goes in my eye and Quinn's. Quinn drops the ax and runs around rubbing at her face and yelling. I feel my. Body being thrown over Santana's shoulder once again and then we're flying.

"On my god I've been dating Peter Pan and I never knew it!" I grin and giggle, the pain of soap in my eye gone. " I Caaan shooow you the wor-" I'm cut off as I hit the surface of our pool. I gasp and splutter, I feel myself being pulled up and out of the pool. I lay down, breathing hard. I turn to Santana who is staring at me. "Fucking faker.." I mumble. She scowls at me.

We stand up, I grab her arm and look at her watch. It's 3:45 in the morning. I groan and rub my aching face. I look down and smile at my ducky robe. Santana jumps up and walks to the sliding door we usually just keep unlocked. She opens it and jogs in. I glance up and see Quinn staring down at me. I squeak and follow San. I bump into her in my haste. She turns around, hand raised as if to hit me. I put my hands on my hips.

"You gonna hit me?"

"Baby no! I thought you were Quinn!"

"BANZAI!" Quinn comes soaring down from above, using Santana to break her fall. As she beats on my baby I take a moment to study her. She has scratches and mini bite marks along her arms. I pull myself together and run into the kitchen. I grab the holder we use for knives and shove it under the sink. No one needs an impromptu amputation.

I look around for something to distract Quinn so Santana could escape. I glance over to Rachel's side of the kitchen. A pineapple! I grab it and throw it at the back of Quinn's head like a football. And the crowd goes wild! Actually Santana just rolls away from Quinn's seemingly unconscious body, groaning and cursing in Spanglish.

Quinn hops up with the pineapple in her hand.

"Do all you crazy people have a high tolerance for pain!" Santana asks from her position beside me. I jumped, how the hell.. When the hell.. Did she get there.

"You threw a fucking pineapple at me!" she advances towards us, pineapple AND the peashooter from earlier in hand.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god! I try hard to think of something to placate her.

"Cause...pineapples are sweet and.. You are sweet also, as well!" Spongebob...bitches like Spongebob.

"You really think I'm sweet?" she asks, dropping the pineapple but keeping a firm hold on the peashooter.

"Sure you are Quinnie!" Now this is the part where I inner monologue that we all dropped everything and hugged. No, Santana, probably still pissed about being used as a human landing pad_ HAD_ to speak up.

"Hell no! If by sweet you mean a schizophrenic psycho then yes! Your very presence gives me a toothache!" Quinn aims the peashooter at the ranting Santana and lets a perfect volley of them fly at Santana's mouth._ Pink pink pink_ _pink_. San dives for the safety of the wrap around counter, I'm not too far behind her.

"Now Quinnie that wasn't very nice!" I admonish while holding a squirming Santana's head. "That's going to bruise." I tell her softly.

"It was like getting raped in the face by a million wasps.." see that's why I love her we are totes on the same wave length.

"You really only have yourself to blame, boo-boo." She scowls at me, she furrows her brow and looks up at me, "have you seen Berry anywhere?" My brain was somewhere else, I mean how else can I explain the overwhelming sensation of wanting to tear San's clothes off and ravish her? I run my fingers over her hip, she smacks me away.

"Baby please excuse my hands, they just want to touch they just want to feel they don't mean no harm, baby just excuse my hands! Please excuse my hands! I apologize they have a one track mind...squeeze on your behind.." da fuck am I saying? Santana is smiling creepily at me. I sway back and forth. I stop and inhale deeply. Oh my god! Is that WEED? I cough and look around I see smoke lazily coming from the vents. Santana starts to giggle, loud annoying giggles.

Quinn is head bobbing to a song in her head, Rachel and Wolff walk downstairs gas masks on both of their faces. How cute! He looks like a little hairy dog man. Santana stands up snorting and laughing. I try to grab for her, I need her..for reasons..because.

"Okay! I have put the kitten back in its cage, I am willing to forgive you Santana if you forgive Quinn. I have filled the entire house with grade A cannabis..." uhg I drown Rachel out and stumble towards her.

"You need to relax, so crack a bottle, let your body waddle don't act like a snobby model you just hit the lotto! Now where's the rubbers? Who's got the rubbers?" I wrap my arms around her, ignoring the squeaking protests I pull the mask off her face. I put it on top of my head, I notice she is holding her breath, she tries to run up the stairs but I grab her. She struggles in my arms for a few seconds.

I pull her arms back and start tickling her, she starts to turn red, a loud "HAW" is followed by gasps and giggles. I move away from her and throw my arms around Wolff. "So fucking fuzzy.." I pull him with me to the couch and plop down. Santana and Quinn are laughing and chewing on dried peas, the peashooter laid out at their feet. Santana notices me with Wolff and frowns. She wobbles her way to me and tries to pry my arms from around Wolff.

"Hey! Britt-Britt, hold me!"

"NO! I've found somebody new and you will never break my heart in two again."

"..what? Well!" I watch as she picks up the discarded pineapple from earlier.

"From now on you shall address me as Santana Squarepants Lopez! Cause I am moving in with that tampon that lives under the sea!" She snaps at me. I stare at her in contemplation, if she moves in with him I won't be able to stare at her in contemplation as often. Plus Santana Pierce Lopez flows _WAY_ better. I let go of Wolff and hold my arms out for her.

"I did you wrong... you did me wrong. I take you back... you take me back." She tosses the pineapple behind her, smacking Quinn into a belly dancing Rachel. She hops into my arms and we hug. Quinn starts to yell and convulse. I turn to watch her. She picks the pineapple and takes a huge bite out of it.

"OM NOM NOM NOM now NO one gets the motha fuckin' PINEAPPLE!" She snarls. I raise my eyebrow, I cringe as she devours the pineapple in inhuman bites, by the time she is done with it she has only the leafy top left. She runs over and begins stabbing Santana and I with it. I slap at her to move.

"Move _BITCH_ get out the way!"

"Earthquaaaake!" Giggles my wife. Wolff jumps off of the couch and runs away. I grab a couch cushion and slap Quinn hard in the face. She reels back and falls unmoving on the floor. Rachel runs over to her and lays on top of her crying and letting out loud wails. Santana starts to mimic her. I put my hands over my eyes.

UHG why can I still hear them?

I stand up and promptly trip over Quinn and Rachel.

"MY LEG!" I'm not sure who did the Wilhelm cry of SBSP but it was funny. I start to laugh hard, Santana, not wanting to be left out lays on top of me.

"One big room full of bad bitches," I laugh out. Quinn hops up sending us flying. A door slams open and Jay comes running in, gas mask and Wolff in tow. He has a gun in his hand. Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god! I knew he was the butler in the kitchen with a torch type. I look over at Santana, her eyes are surprisingly clear. She looks away and nods at Jay he aims the gun at Quinn and fires. I watch as she crumbles in on herself.

I stand up and hide behind the pineapple fringe, "Fuck all y'all!" I brandish it at all of them, Rachel sighs and pulls it away from me.

"Shoot her JAY!" She growls at him as she pulls me close to her.

"Hey! Careful with my baby Berry!" Santana yells at her. I point at her, "DECIEVER!" I yell just as Jay's dart finds its way into my neck. I push weakly away from Rachel. I throw one arm above my head and the other around San, I start to dance

"She's nothing like the girl you've every seen before, nothing you can compare to your neighborhood whore, I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful. The way that booty moving I can't take no more, have to stop what I'm doing so I can pull her close. I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful." I turn around to grind my ass on her but just as I get comfortably bent down I look up just in time to get a fist from Rachel to my temple.

"Damn..girl." I fall to the ground, before I hit it I feel strong arms catch me and cradle me.

* * *

**I am super sorry about not updating yesterday, I was sloppy drunk and I was remembering my grand pappy. This chapter is choppy, but I like it, I was laughing half the time I was bull shitting my way through it. Well leave me some feedback uhm special shout out to _mushaboom21 _I did 21 shots yesterday in honor of you friend! Thank you to my other reviewers as well! until next time xx**


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N: switches POV a few times**_

* * *

**Chapter 9 'Twas All A Dream**

**BRITTANY'S POV**

I blink and rub my eyes as they focus on a worried Santana, still rubbing my eyes I smile. "Hey baby, ooh my head is killing me, and I'm suffering from a not so sexy case of halitosis. And WHAT THE ACTUAL FFFFUUUU-" I finally focus completely on her and have to hold back a face. Her chin is dotted with deep purple bruises, and her eyes are bloodshot.

"You look like you have herpes," I whisper softly, "do you have the herpes?" her bottom lip juts out and begins to tremble. Ah, shit...

"I mean, gosh I love waking up to your gorgeous face. You are delicious." I grin sheepishly up at her, from her lap. I feel her inhale and exhale quickly and deeply.

"You don't look too hot either BABE."

"Woah woah what's with the hostility?"

"I'm sorry, I am just, tired and upset, and hungry. I'm not myself right now."

"Yeah I can go for some macaroni and mayo tacos right about now," ew..why? Santana had a look that mirrored my internal question plastered all over her face.

"How about bacon and eggs instead? You could probably use an aspirin too..." oh man, it was like she said the magic word. A shock of pain goes through my body followed by last nights events.

"Waah, oh hell no! Where is Rachel?" I'm about ready to go Kangaroo Jack on someone. I sit up and swivel my body around, no sign of Rachel or Quinn. I frown and look to Santana.

"They went to visit family in Ohio, I was thinking we could go out and meet them either later today or tomorrow." She explains, "you know we can't face your sister without a gift, so we need to hit up the mall."

I roll my shoulders and pop my neck, "Alright, sweetness!" I look up to see Wolff peering at me, he jerks his head towards Santana. I frown, "is Jay stuck in a well boy?" He shakes his head and lets out a chuckle. Wait. He.. I slowly swivel my head and look over at Santana who is gaping at Wolff. Wolff walks towards us and hops up onto the coffee table, it creeks under his weight.

"Babe, are you seeing this?" I whisper out the side of my mouth.

"Meow."

"Yeah its.. " I turn to Santana only to see a human size Lord T gazing back at me. I hop up off the couch, falling in my haste. I scramble to my feet. I turn my head from Wolff to LT. "Okay what the freak is going on?"

"Well, my guess is you're dreaming, that or Quinn has slipped you something. It could be a number of things." Wolff sighs and lays down, rolling over to his back. I raise my lip up at him.

"This so cannot be a dream, all of my dreams are really sexy, or really scientific." I tell him, jabbing my finger at him. He stands up and slips off the table, I blink and he is in front of me wearing a dark red lingerie set.

"Is this sexy enough for ya?"

**SANTANA'S POV**

I dodge Brittany's suddenly jabbing finger and glare over at Berry. Quinn is laying over her lap kicking her legs out, staring at them with an amazed look on her face.

"It's like an arm but its got a foot at the end of it." She says, completely in awe, I raise an eyebrow at her.

"A very astute observation, sweetums! Why don't you try to go back to sleep?" Berry whispers tiredly. We had just finished venting all of the weed out of the house. Berry and I had been trained against different chemicals so we were able to stave off most of it.

I look down at Brittany. "It's not sexy," she mumbles, pushing her face into my stomach. Quinn hops up and runs over to me, I still my entire body, not wanting to make any sudden movements. She leans down and pushes Brittany closer to me. She straddles my lap facing me.

"Berry, if you want to keep It. Get It." I hiss between my teeth. Quinn leans forward tongue out. Time slows to a crawl as she comes at me with her very pink tongue. I pull my head back as far as I can, she readjusts herself. I glance quickly over at Berry, her face showed the horror I felt as I feel Quinn's tongue swirl around my nose.

Brittany chose that moment to rejoin the conscious world. She turns her head from me to Quinn who was moaning from her chest, tongue still traveling around my nose.

"Rachel, please remove Quinn from my wife's face." She says super calmly. Berry walks over and tries to take Quinn away, I turn my head and she shoves her tongue into my ear.

"OH MY WOW! Unnnngghhhh!" I melt into a complete puddle of horny. Brittany growls, and pushes at Quinn, the gorilla tranqs running through her system making her very weak. I suck my lips in and sigh. This is so wrong but it feels so right.

**BRITTANY'S POV**

After my run in with Dream Wolff I of course awake to Quinn trying to lick Santana's face off. My body feels like its trying to restore itself to factory settings. I feel Santana's body shudder underneath me. I look up at her completely pissed off. How dare she be turned on right now! Yeah right now Quinn is tonguing her sweet spot, but she has no right!

"Rachel I promise you, if you do not remove her I will end you!" I snarl, channeling my baby. I pop Santana in her stomach, she throws ad back and has the common sense to look guilty. Rachel picks Quinn up and manhandles her up the stairs.

Quinn whines and let's out a pout, I flick her off and turn my attention to my wife.

"H-hey there baby I was thinking we could hit up the mall and buy you stuff...then we can to visit the family back in Ohio..." I frown at her, dream Santana and reality Santana both have the same idea so I guess it's meant to be. That didn't excuse the fact that I was still upset.

I push off of her and walk upstairs to my bedroom, I open and slam the door, right in her face. I hear a frustrated sigh before the door flies open.

"You know that back there was oddly Quinn," she grumbles. I throw my clothes off and slip into the bathroom, hopping into the shower. I don't bother closing the curtain. I tune out the rest of her apology. Of course I know I'm being slightly irrational especially since Quinn is involved, but dammit I should be the only one to ever cause the look on my baby face.

I soap my body up and let the hot water run over me, I see Santana exit the bathroom out the corner of my eye. I relax and lather my hair up. As I rinse it thoroughly I turn the water off and turn to get out. I have to stifle a smile at Santana, she had on a pair of red boxers and a blue towel tied around her neck like a cape. I step out and grab my towel and start drying off.

"What are you doing?" I finally ask her, a smile fighting its way to my lips. She turns in the bathroom door snickering.

"Action Bastard I neeeed you! Action Bastard I neeeed you! *snort* Action Bastard I neeed you! I'm sorry baby I looooove you!" she's doubled over laughing and snorting, still dancing. I pull my lips in and hold my arms out for her.

"Come here, dork." She snuggles into me and hugs me close. I take her hand and glance at her watch, it's only 1:30 PM. I wrap my arms completely around her. We stay like that for a few minutes until she pulls me into the bedroom and helps me pick out an outfit for the mall.

After we bang like rabbits.

* * *

_***2 hours later, at the mall***_

Quinn and Rachel, who insisted on coming, skip off towards a few clothing stores while Santana pulls me towards the escalator. I stop and stare at it. I fucking hate this thing. I never know when to step on, do I look cool doing it. I hate when my body jerks and I have to do a panicked half skip jump off of it. Santana nudges me and I shake my head. She glances behind us and pulls me to the side, allowing other people to jump on the death trap.

"I can't do this again baby, you know how I feel about this thing, can't we visit the shops down here?" I plead. She looks around, she spots that one creepy security guard that always follows us around, we shudder in union.

"Okay..hop on baby boo!" She turns offering me her back. I'm a head taller than her, I most definitely didn't want to hurt her. I bring my point up she shoots it down and kneels down pulling me closer to her. I smile and jump onto her back making her laugh. I feel her muscles move under my thighs and I get tingles in my nether regions. I wrap my arms and legs around her, she stands and leaps onto the escalator running up it two at a time.

I throw my head back and laugh heartily, I hear other people laughing and gasping as my wife and I make our way up the killer escalator. She gets to the top and leaps doing a spin in the air before landing lightly on her feet. I was surprised about the lack of being jarred.

She puts me down and I turn to her a serious look on my face. She frowns and crosses her arms, raising an eyebrow. By now we had generated a small group of onlookers many probably knowing Santana from seeing her slam people on Court TV and a few probably some of my own psycho fans.

"I know what you are.." I tell her, she gasps lightly and takes a step back.

"What?"

"Y-you're super fast and strong, you're always complaining about the cold, your clothes are super stylish." A few people start to giggle. I see her lip twitch. She takes a dramatic step forward propelling herself towards me.

"Say it. Out loud..SAY IT!"

I turn my back to her, winking at the girl now in front of me, "Lesbian Vampire!" I let my body fall backwards knowing Santana would catch me, if she doesn't we're going to have some problems. I feel her slender arms wrap around me, she spins me in a tight circle. When she puts me down we both stagger towards Santana's destination dizzy as hell.

**SANTANA'S POV**

With Brittany's hand in mine we look around Build a Bear, this mission was simple, since the money was already in my account I kind of had to do it. I looked up seeing the smarmy cashier gazing at me, I casually pull out my phone and look at the mini dossy I had on him. His name: Adam Marx he's 5'9 200 lbs and has brown curly hair. I glance back up at the cashier who throws a wink at me. Ew.

"Aw baby look a wolf! We should totally bring this back out to Wolff so he can have company on the way to Lima! He loves getting stuffed animals!" Brittany smiles at the animal display.

here the little one

"Yeah sure B pick out the biggest one, grab something for the little one here too. I'll be right back I'm going to go pay in advance." I give her s quick kiss. I glance up at the speakers the opening notes to Drive By by Train flowed down from them. I frowned, isn't this supposed to be a kid's store?

I walk over to the very unbusy cashier, he smiles, yellowed teeth glistening in the light. I slip my hand into my pocket and slide a ring onto my pinkie finger. All I have to do is nick him with the sharpened diamond. Easy Peasy. Brittany bounds up behind me and whispers that she is going to the bathroom. I glance back at her, she shoves the stuffed animals into my arms and runs out of the store.

I turn and look around the store, there's an awful lot of grown men in here today. And no one else! Fuck. I casually stroll over to the stuffing station. I hear the soft hiss of a walkie talkie. I quickly stuff the shit out of the animals. I look over and shove a bunch of the stupid little clothes into a bag. I turn back to the cashier, smiling cheerfully.

"Hello, this will be all for me today" Huge smile.

"That'll be $420.00." He says staring me dead in the eye. Ah _shit _I am one hundred percent sure that I saw this douche bag around the academy. My phone buzzes in my pocket twice. I reach my hand in and pull it out slowly reading the first message from Brittany.

**Wifey:**

_**Oh shit baby...I got the runs! Just stuff them and buy a bunch of clothes and accessories!** _I guess we are at the point where we tell each other everything. I open the second text and my body goes numb.

**Jay:**

_**ABORT!11!** _Fuck,, Jay never makes spelling mistakes. I throw my phone into one of the bags he messily stuffed the things into and grab them. Before Marx can react I've slashed him in the cheek with my ring. I take the ring off and slam it into one of the huge body guards he always kept with him, even in the academy.

I jump up onto one of the tables and scope out my surroundings. He only had about five of them with him but I am more than sure he's called more. This store is positioned wonderfully, its facing away from the general crowd.

I tap dance on a few of the guards heads. Using their size to throw myself to the door. Jay is waiting there looking haggard he grabs the gate and slams it shut using a small torch to wield it shut. He nods at me, I run off. Bags in hand, I run off to the bathrooms, Brittany is standing conveniently by the entrance.

"Babe, we have to leave one of my old clients are here and they are pissed that I put them behind bars instead of getting them off the case." I bend my body and tackle her around the middle effectively knocking the breath out of her and putting her on my shoulder. I take a running leap off of the escalator, Brittany screams. I throw the bag containing the overstuffed animals onto the rail of the escalator that was quickly approaching, I position my feet and ride the bags down the rest of the way. I grab the bags from under my feet and land next to two Asian women.

"Hey that's the crazy bitch that delivered Summer's baby! Hey! Stop you!" I sigh deeply and take off at a dead run having to ignoring Brittany's discomfort at at the moment of course this is the moment Jay takes to come speeding pass us with Marx's goons following. We break out of the mall, Running at full speed.

"Look. Ladies. I. Am. Sorry. About. That. All. In. The. Name. Of. Science!" Brittany staggers out to the pissed off women behind us. I thank every God I knew that we took the truck today. Berry, Wolff, and Quinn were already seated up front, Berry sitting in the driver's seat. I hop onto the bed of the Tundra, Jay following close behind. Berry peels out of the mall at full speed.

"Give me one good reason why I should not redrum your ass right here and now!" Britt screams at me from her position under me. I smile at her.

"Misean gcrích!" **(mission accomplished)** I say softly into my bluetooth.

"Post maith, Snixx."** (good job**) The deep rumble of one of the heads at HQ answer me.

I throw my arms around Brittany, giving her a quick explanation while withholding information, and I don't let go until we hit Ohio.

Where all _HELL_ breaks loose.

* * *

**I know some of you are probably wondering where I was for a few days...well Admin took my story down because I violated a rule I put "shit" in the summary and that apparently is a huge no no :/ but I am back now, work had been hectic these pass few nights I'd like to thank those who have stuck with me so far and such _Mushaboom_, _82996_, others..lol I can't name all, those 2 stuck out a lot though so thank you. To everyone else thank you sooo much. Review, send me ideas, just tell me hello! Okay so next chapter Lopez and Pierce family time! I am not 100 on Quinn's family yet..maybe..Quinn's crazy is hereditary? **


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 Mommie Dearest**

_**RACHEL'S POV**_

I smile at the sleeping Quinn drooling on my shoulder. Santana and Brittany were now in the back of the huge Tundra sleeping, Santana had given Britt a bullshit story to cover our earlier actions, but we both knew that it was going to be brought up again. I dropped Jay off at the outskirts of Lima at his insistence. I sigh deeply as I park the truck at the local gas station and hop out. A lot has changed since I was here last. Not with this place, but with me. I roll my stiff shoulders and walk into the dimly lit store.

I smile at the bored looking attendant, I glance above his head at the clock. Its only 12:00 AM we made it in okay timing.

I hand him a $100, "Can I get 50 on pump...6?" he grunts and stares at me for a second. Oh God no..

"R-Rachel? Rachel Berry? Do you remember me? Its Jacob Ben Israel!" He begins to shake and move as close to me as the counter blocking us allowed.

"..."

"Gosh baby I've missed you!" He runs from around the counter arms up. Disgust washes through me as the sweat stains under his arms came closer to me. On reflex I kick my leg forward and trip him up.

"Jacob, please my fiance is just right outside waiting in the truck," he sits up and peers over his glasses at the truck, someone was moving around in the driver's seat, the heavily tinted windows only showing a shadow, it was either Santana or Brittany, Quinn wasn't getting up anytime soon. I pinch the bridge of my nose, I really couldn't do much to Jacob, especially since I almost exposed us a few years ago during a sloppy bar brawl. I'm sure the Lima Police Dept. is still looking for someone that fits my description.

"Please! I can take Fabray on, I've been working out." He flexes and true to his word, under his shirt ripples with bulging pecs. I twitch. I reach into my pocket and pull out the truck keys, unlocking the door.

"Jacob as swell as it is to see you I really must be on my way, so if you can finish my transaction-" A loud thump makes us both jump and turn around. Wolff peered in at us through the window, standing on his hind legs, looking every bit like a pissed off Santana. I lick my bottom lip. A muffled woof comes through the window.

Jacob stares at him wide eyed, I turn to him and smirk, I watch his eyes go from curious fear to outright terror as another thump echos through the small store. I glance up only to see a red eyed Snix staring unamused at us. She points to her watch and glares. I nudge Jacob back towards the counter where he stiffly punches a few keys and hands me my change. A tap followed by a loud bark makes me turn my attention back to the window. Santana points to some chocolate milk and Wolff's nodding towards some beef jerky. I sigh and collect their items, pay and leave.

I toss Santana her Dove chocolate milk and open Wolff's jerky, I can feel Jacob's eyes on me, I turn to confirm it and shudder when he throws a nervous wink at me.

I hold the beef jerky above my head and call for Wolff, who takes a bounding leap towards me, flying over my head. I grin as he turns and buries his head into my back and he chews. Santana pumps the gas as Wolff and I hop into the truck.

I play with the keys as I wait for Santana, I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to smile at Brittany, she glares at me.

"Are you fucking Santana?" She asks bluntly.

"...!"

* * *

_**BRITTANY'S POV**_

Way too much was happening and I really wanted to get to the bottom of it, starting with Rachel and San's weird relationship. No one sexs my woman up but me.

"Well?"

"Brittany don't be absurd! First off I am happily with Quinn, secondly Santana and I are _just _friends." Rachel tells me calmly. I soften a little.

"Good, cause I plan on marrying her and making an honest woman out of her." I smile, no wait..

"..."

"..."

Santana hops back into the truck and cuddles into me, "les be goin' Berry!" Rachel quickly turns and drives off towards the Lopez residence. I sigh, I have way bigger fish to fry, especially now that I am going to be dealing with mama Lopez.

Santana uses her key and lets us in, we go upstairs, Santana and I head towards her old room and Rachel, guiding a sleepy Quinn, head for the guest room. Wolff stays downstairs curling up next to the couch.

I groan as we settle into the old bed falling asleep almost instantly with Santana spooning me.

_**THE NEXT DAY**_

I feel Santana's strong arms still embracing me from behind, she's stroking my stomach. I feel her tongue dart out, tracing patterns on my neck. I moan and sigh scooting my ass back and into her.

"Britt, babe, whatcha want for brea- MOMMY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?" I stiffen when Santana comes into view.

"Oh poo, you know I was just reacquainting myself with Brittany's tits!" Mama L yells back at Santana while grabbing said tits to emphasize her point. I tear myself out of her grip and slip behind Santana.

"Mommy you cannot go around molesting my wife in her sleep!"

"Yeah!"

"Why?" She sits up in the bed, my underwear clutched in her hands.

"Are you shitting me right now?" Santana huffs and then proceeds to get into a tug of war session with her mother over my underwear. I look down and notice I am indeed sans sleeping shorts. I shake my head. Ever since Santana and I were younger her mother has had an odd attraction to me, she, of course, never acted on it. Until my eighteenth birthday that is.

***Flashback***

I stretch as lay in bed, giddy and waiting for San to bring my traditional breakfast in bed. I hear music filtering faintly through my window, I get up cautiously and look down, my face contorting from confusion to pure horror

I crane my neck to see Mama Lopez straddling a white stallion while her reluctant looking husband held a wireless stereo above his head. She reaches her hand up towards the window singing along with the radio, nudging Papa Lopez with her foot to sing back up.

_We grinding with passion (cause it's your birthday)  
Been at it for hours (I know you thirsty)  
You kiss me so sweetly (taste just like Hershey's)  
Just tell me how you want your gift girl..._

"Brittany S. Pierce I've waited years for this day! I am in love with you, I have never felt this way about anyone before! Will you be my mistress?" I stare down at her, I glance behind me when I hear Santana tripping over LT with a huge breakfast platter of my favorite foods.

"What you doing out of bed baby?" She asks with a slight lisp, she claims she ran into a tree while hoping the fence into her backyard. I blink slowly and back away from the window, pointing out of it.

Santana lays the tray on the bed, picking Lord Tubbington up so he wouldn't be tempted by my food.

She limps over to the window and rears back when she sees her naked mother, a white horse, and her daddy.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MOMMY?"

"You! You don't deserve her! I have allowed you to play this game this far but no more, Lopez!"

"What?"

"I am in love with your girlfriend! There is nothing you can do about it!"

"Daddy is standing right damn there!"

"Don't bring your father into this!" She huffs and crosses her arms over her chest. "This is just how its gotta be Princess, she completes me." Santana sneers and slams the window shut, violently clasping the curtains with one hand, the other holding a distraught LT.

"Crazy bitch, thinks she can come over here and put the moves on my woman, got another thing coming." She mumbles, she tosses LT out into the hall with a piece of bacon and closes my door.

I smile softly and kiss her, "you know you're the only Lopez I will ever be _in_ love with, well besides our kids." I tell her, wrapping my arms around her neck and pulling her close.

A knock on my door interrupts us, "darling, why is there a naked woman on a horse proclaiming her love for you on the front lawn? Why does said naked woman look like Mrs. Lopez?" My father's deep voice vibrates through the door. I feel Santana stiffen and sigh next to me.

"Just ignore it daddy P!" She yells out through gritted teeth.

"Huh...alright then, happy birthday babygirl!" He walks off humming to himself.

I rest my head against Santana's, "this is just a phase, it'll blow over."

***End of Flashback***

Oh how wrong I was.. she continued trying to seduce me the rest of the year and the years following.

Papa Lopez, is a bitch man. I love him to death, but no was not in his vocabulary when it came to his wife and kids. The only time he showed any sign of authority was when he carried Mama Lo out of Santana and I's wedding when she threw a fit when her violent 'I object' was ignored by everyone.

I grab Santana before she could lunge at her sneering mother, "Come on, lets go out to eat. Maybe we'll run into some of the old club members.." I grab one of my suitcases and march off to the bathroom with my pouting and scowling wife.

After I'm all washed up and ready to leave Santana takes my hand and pulls me quickly through the large house and into the garage, yelling for Quinn and Rachel to join us. A few minutes later we are cruising through Lima.

"So, who we dealing with this morning? Charlie, Quinn, or Charlie-Quinn?" Santana asked, clearly trying to be funny.

"Your mom wants to fuck Brittany." Quinn deadpans, I snort and put a hand on Santana's to keep her relatively calm.

"Ooh look! There's the restaurant Kurt and Blaine own! Baby, lets go!" Santana stiffly pulls over and slips out of the car, cutting the engine.

"Welcome to **K'N'B**!" a mousy girl chirps while smiling brightly at our little group, "if you'll follow me." She hands us menus and guides us to a booth in the middle of the room. I feel Rachel stiffen next to me, I follow her gaze to a huge and rugged looking Finn Hudson.

This should be fun.

_**Guys...guys..seriously guys..guys seriously..I am so sorry this took so long, I feel like this chapter could be a lot better so don't be surprised if I take it back and revamp it later. But I am back to once a day. Please leave me a note to let me know you're still with me, because this fic is no where near done. So yeah, leave me some feedback and I shall see you tomorrow! Next chapter, the girls run into Finn and lets just say he ain't happy. The ladies raise a little hell to make themselves feel better. And momma Lopez hatches a plan, speaking of, Sofia Vergara has ALWAYS been Santana's mom to me.**_


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